Barbell Burpee Broad Jumps

Has this ever happened to you?

Yesterday morning I completed low bar back squats prior to coaching. I worked up to lifting sets of 5 reps of 155 & 165#, 65 & 70% of 1RM, respectively. I had 2 each of 45, 10, and 5# plates on the 45# bar. My last set of lifts were to be 180#, about 77% of 1RM. I decided to replace 10 & 5# plates with 15# plate, and place the 5# plate back on the bar. I thought I did just that. I positioned myself under the bar, took a step back, and immediately felt off-kilter. I placed the bar back on the rack, and thought, “I must not have positioned myself evenly under the bar. I can’t recall the last time that happened.” I carefully positioned myself under the bar. I still felt imbalanced, but I did one squat nonetheless. Before doing a second squat, I “jumped” the bar so that it moved to my right. While it still felt odd, I completed the remaining 4 reps. Weight. Felt. Heavy.

I removed the plates from the right: 5, 15, and 45#. Yup, that’s right. I removed the plates from the left: 5, 15, 10, and 45#. A-ha! I had not removed the 10# plate and thus lifted 190#. Stupid math. I won’t make the mistake anytime soon. Oh, who the hell am I kidding?

The 6amers did an awesome job with yesterday’s workout, and it was a pleasure coaching the group. There are times when I look at the weight that Chad and John are lifting and I think to myself, “Not in this lifetime, Paul.”

I assisted Krista with partner glute-hamstring exercise. This was the only time I’ve ever missed Michael Kelley during a workout.

Death by thrusters looked grueling. Some people (and you know who you are) have strength but lack endurance.

Michelle completed the most rounds, 11, and looked strong doing so. In fact, Michelle, Lauren, Heather (I think), and Krista were the only athletes to make it past 8 rounds. During the round of 9 or 10 I loudly proclaimed, “I’m saying this as a gay man, women look sexy when lifting weights.” Where the hell did that remark come from? I should be fired. (I’m talking to you, Michael Kelley. Fire me. I’ll still come to the box on occasion. Promise.)

I arrived at CFZ at 5:30 this morning, so as to allow extra time for mobility. I spent 30 full minutes working out the kinks. And it was good.

I decided to spend quality time working on front squats, completing 5 reps of 45, 65, 85, 105, & 125#. I then completed 3 reps of 145, 155, 165, 175, & 185#. That’s a lot of reps, and heavy weight, as 185 is 84% of 1RM. I recorded last 2 rounds to confirm that I broke parallel, and I’m pleased to report that I did. I’m also pleased to report that I feel the need to record myself less and less, as I now know much better what a good job looks (and feels) like.

Michael Kelley arrived at 6:30, and was wearing a Carolina blue tee shirt. Unfortunately, it is solid, i.e., does not have vertical stripes. I informed Michael Kelley that I did front squats, and he said, “Why? You know we’re doing front squats tomorrow.” I replied, “How was I supposed to know that? You only sent me the met-con.” “We do front squats every Thursday,” he said. “We do low bar back squats every Monday and dead-lifts every Wednesday, but we didn’t do so this week,” I replied. Sheesh, Michael Kelley. I can’t read your mind, no matter how small it may be.

I created my own met-con.

10 rounds for time:
5 bodyweight (145#) dead-lifts
5 burpee bar broad jumps
5 pull-ups

My goal was to complete all reps of activities unbroken. Yeah, I know, it’s only 5 reps at a time, but I kid you not when I unequivocally state that this met-con was tough. It started off easy and got progressively more challenging, so much so that I was tempted to break up the very last round of 5 dead-lifts. Fortunately, I did not. I completed in 11:34.

Wall Ball Burpees

I had a deep tissue massage at Athletic Edge yesterday afternoon, and I will go on record as stating that Lal, massage therapist extraordinaire, is a god. He spent much time working on my left bicep and shoulder, and showed me some activities to loosen tight shoulder socket. I’m feeling some relief, but am going to see an orthopedist a week from today for safe measure.

I’m trying to determine why, even though my left shoulder hurt while doing 120 pull-ups yesterday, I had more range of motion and experienced less pain yesterday afternoon (even before the massage). Huh?

Lazy-ass Michael Kelley has not yet sent me this week’s WODs, so I didn’t know what was in store for us today. (Yes, he posted on Facebook and, but not until late last night.)

He did walk us through a rather good mobility session, focusing on opening up the shoulders. He also touched my inappropriately thrice.

Press 4×5 (sets across), heavier than last week

I haven’t done presses in ages, and had every intention (I seem to like that word) of doing bench press instead. Given that pull-ups helped with mobility, I reasoned that presses might as well. I lifted 5 reps of 65, 75, 85, & 95#. I experienced some pain in left shoulder. I lifted single reps of 100, 105, & 110. I wanted to attempt 115# but ran out of time.

10 Burpee Wall Ball, 20# wall ball, 10’ target
20 Medicine Ball Sit-Ups

Yup, you read that right. Evidently, Michael Kelley dreamt about burpee wall balls and medicine ball sit-ups. I think he needs to come get out more. He demonstrated burpee wall balls, and we were allowed to give it a try. Here’s what you do. Begin standing and holding the wall ball, drop the wall ball to the floor as you kick your feet to plank position. Complete a pushup on wall ball. Kick your legs about and around the wall ball, landing in a full squat. Rise and throw the ball to 10’ target. Catch the ball and bring it to the floor. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Michael Kelley then demonstrated medicine ball sit-ups. You probably already figured out this one… Hold the same medicine ball around chest and complete a sit-up. Michael Kelley had the audacity to accuse me of not having the soles of my feet together and not having my feet close enough to my body. I’m certain he merely wanted another excuse to fondle touch me.

My first goal was to complete all rounds unbroken. The second goal was to have an even split, i.e., note number of reps at 5-minutes and do an equal number the last 5 minutes. Did I reach my goals? Read on.

Chad and I were side by side for the workout. The clock counted down from 10 seconds, and we began. Chad finished the 10 burpees wall ball shots 1 rep ahead of me, and thus started medicine ball sit-ups slightly ahead of me as well. That was the last time he would have the lead. I focused on doing sit-ups as quickly as possible while still maintaining proper form, and my speed was much, much faster than Chad’s. Right, Chad?

For wall ball shots, I focused on making sure that I grabbed the wall ball as it descended and not merely letting it drop to the floor. (I’m talking to you, Chad.) I did so for all but the last wall ball shot. I would then kick the medicine ball to the Abmat.

During the third or fourth round I heard Michael Kelley say, “Good job, Michelle! Nice work, Chad!” And then deafening silence… I shouted, “Good job, Paul!” He then had the audacity to say, “Don’t just let the ball drop to the floor. Catch it in your hands and bring it to the floor to do your burpee.” And then he (wait for it…) accused me of letting the ball drop to the floor! I said, “I’ve only allowed the ball to drop to the floor after the final rep. I’ve caught it every firetrucking (that’s not the exact word I used) time, Michael Kelley. I lost at least 5 seconds making this statement. That’s more than enough time to do one medicine ball sit-up. Read on.

Michael Kelley stated, “Five minutes. You’re halfway there.” I had 2 more sit-ups to do to finish the third round. I through, “Well, there’s no way I’m going to get 6 rounds. Keep working steadily nonetheless. You should be able to get 5 rounds plus 16 sit-ups. Beside, you’ve already crushed Chad.” And then I giggled out loud, although I doubt Chad heard me.

I kept working steadily and continued sweating profusely. With 2 minutes remaining, Michael Kelley said, “Get in another round.” I was mid-way through the fifth round of sit-ups. He said, “At least do the wall ball shots.” Just the wall ball shots, Michael Kelley? Do you even know me? Did I really need 90 seconds to do 10 burpee wall balls? Again, do you even know me? It was then that I reset my goal to finish round 6. And I came very close to doing so…

I powered through burpee wall balls and then began medicine ball sit-ups. I increased the speed and intensity, and kept an eye on the clock, but only managed to complete 19 reps. I shouted, “Firetruck!” when the clock beeped. Michael Kelley had a sh!t-eating grin on his face and asked, “You only got 19 reps?” I firetrucking hate Michael Kelley. If he hadn’t insisted upon spending 5 seconds arguing with me I could’ve gotten in 1 more sit-ups.

Total = 5 rounds + 29 reps; 60 burpee wall ball shots, 119 medicine ball sit-ups.

100 Face Pulls
100 Tricep Pushdowns

When I hear “accessory” I think of a messenger bag (for me) or a purse (for Thomas). I don’t think of face pulls or tricep pushdowns. I won’t even begin to explain. Suffice it to say that I used a green band and did 4 sets of 25 reps.

Hero WOD “Bradshaw”

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I coached the 7am WOD. Jeff, Michael Kelley, Paul & Heather, John & daughter Heather, Burt, and Chad attended, and everybody did an awesome job: some more awesome than others, and Jeff most awesome of all. Michael Kelley had the fastest time, Chad had the highest jumps, and Burt threw up the most.

I attended the 8:15 session led my Michael Kelley. Having witnessed the WOD just moments earlier, I almost decided not to attempt it at all. This is the first time I can recall that when coaching that there were quite a few times when all athletes were resting. I was most concerned with pull-ups, as my left shoulder is still sore and I haven’t done a single pull-up in weeks.

10 rounds for time
3 handstand pushups
6 dead-lifts, 225/155
12 pull-ups
24 double unders
Prior to the WOD I dead-lifted 135 and then 225 just once. I didn’t attempt a single HSPU or double under, and had no intention of attempting a pull-up until the WOD began. Michael Kelley suggested that I replace pull-ups with ring rows, and I had every intention of doing so if need be. I used the word “intention” it the previous two sentences. I said, “I’m not going to do a pull-up until the WOD begins.” Michael Kelley replied, “At least do a few to see if you can.” “No,” I said, “I’ll know if I can do them once the WOD starts.” Michael Kelley replied, “Let me at least see you hang from the bars.” I did just that, and then did 2 pull-ups. Jeff was watching and said, “That looked easy.” I didn’t feel easy, as I felt a slight pain in my left shoulder. And I didn’t care. I figured I would hang on as long as I could and then substitute ring rows.  I had resigned myself to not finishing faster than Michael Kelley, as I knew pull-ups were going to slow me down. And they did. This doesn’t make me hate Michael Kelley any more or less.

My A, B, C, & D goals were the following: complete as Rx; complete dead-lifts unbroken; complete HSPUs unbroken; and complete double unders unbroken. I achieved goals A, B, & C, but only completed 6 rounds of double unders unbroken.

This was quite a difficult WOD, as well it should be. I didn’t even have any pretense of keeping on my shirt, and removed it before the WOD even began. I got so hot during the WOD that I poured cold water on top of my head on 2 separate occasions.

HSPUs went swimmingly, and were the easiest part of the WOD. Even though 225# is heavy, I did manage to complete all rounds unbroken. I should’ve warmed up double unders, as I started off weak and got stronger and better as the rounds progressed, completkng the last 3 rounds unbroken. Pull-ups were by far the worst, and I only completed the first 2 rounds unbroken. By that last round I was doing 1 at a time, and my shoulder was killing me. Why didn’t I substitute ring rows? See goal A.

I completed the WOD in 23:40.

I was very, very close to heaving, and ran outside to do so. The picture of me bent over with my hands on my legs captures the moment perfectly.

“You’re not a complete disappointment, Paul Potorti.”

Today was the first Sunday where I didn’t coach at CFD, and it felt, well, kinda weird. I could have slept in, if only Zac, Meg, & Luke would have allowed me do so. They awakened me at 4:30. I did manage to fall back into a light sleep until 5:45. And it was good.

Luke was particularly frisky, so we played fetch in the backyard for a half hour and then went for a 2-mile walk – all before 7:30.

I wore another new pair of Lululemon shorts. And I looked good.

I arrived at CFZ at 8:30, spent 20 minutes on mobility. I also put the 45# bar away, the bar the Michael Kelley left on the rack, and did 45 burpees. That’s the kind of friend I am.

I then chose to work on overhead squat form. Again, I chose to work on overhead squat form. Huh? Me? Overhead squats? I used to hate overhead squats! It’s easy to hate Michael Kelley overhead squats, as he’s fat I had such a difficult time learning how to do so. Much of this was due to issues with flexibility. I’ve noticed a significant difference since I’ve started to focus much more on mobility and flexibility. I have Michael Kelley the Democratic Party to thank.

My original goal was to work up to 85# with good form, as I’ve only been able to OHS 80# with less than perfect form. I recorded each set. I lifted 10 reps of 45, then 5 reps of 65, 65, 75, 75, and 80#. I sent Michael Kelley the set of 80# and asked for feedback, asking, “Deep enough?” He sexted, “Yup. Much better.” He’s so eloquent. Since the lifts felt good, I decided to go for 85#, and did 5 reps. I was surprised with how in control I felt. I focused pushing my hips back, shrugging my shoulders and activating my lats, and – most importantly, staying on my heels and not going on my toes.

Since the reps felt and looked solid, I decided to go for 90, and did 3 reps. I thought, “Put the 25# plates on the bar and at least attempt 95#.” And that’s what I did, completing 2 reps. Why 2 reps? Because I wanted to make sure that at least 1 rep was deep enough, i.e., counted. I viewed the recording, and both reps were below parallel. I thought, “Why not go for an even hundred?” Just before lifting, I decided to kick off my weightlifting shoes and wear my Inov8s. And what I HUGE difference it made! I felt like I had much more control, and that I no longer felt like I was going up on my toes. Lesson learned. I put 100# on the bar and completed 3 successful reps. I considered this a PR, as while I may have completed OHS at a heavier weight in the past, I know that not one of the reps would’ve counted. Today, each and every rep counted. I put 105 on the bar and completed 2 reps. I put 110 on the bar, and completed 2 last reps – a PR! And it was good. I sexted Michael Kelley…

Me: Just got 110#!
MK: Nice. What’s the most you’ve done?
Me: Correctly? That’d be 110! I watched video over & over 2 make sure I broke parallel. Did it 2x 2 make sure. Took me to min 2 build up 2. Taking off weightlifting shoes helped!
MK: Cool. Much improvement. You’re not a complete disappointment, Paul Potorti.

I would post recordings of OHS, but I forgot to turn off the background music, and both Facebook and YouTube keep taking downs videos that have copyrighted material. Oh, well.

I considered doing a met-con, but as tomorrow’s WOD is going to be challenging, I decided to work on skills instead, focusing on 2 skills we don’t often do at CFZ: headstands and parallette pass throughs. Again, I recorded so that I could critique. For the first headstand, I actually went past vertical. This was due to my not placing the top of my head firmly on the mat, and instead resting part of my forehead on the mat. I corrected this for the remaining sets. And for the first time ever I was able to rise to a handstand. I followed that by completing a headstand and balancing only on head and fingertips. Quite challenging indeed.

I finished the day with 5 sets of 10 reps of parallette pass throughs.

I think I’m going to like my Sunday solo workouts… Don’t ask to join me, Thomas. I mean it. Don’t ask.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

I wore my brand new Lululemon Kung Fu shorts, and I looked good. True story.

I attended the 9:30am session, coached by Michael Kelley, and coached the 10:30am and Community WODs. Michael Kelley has the attention span of a tsetse fly. And the girth of a hippopotamus.

I’m still nursing a sore left shoulder, so I’m still avoiding most upper body work, particularly cleans and/or clean & jerks. As Michael Kelley knows this, he included both in today’s workout. So, while others did cleans, I did kettle bell swings – with a twist.

2 Cleans every 30 seconds for 5 minutes, heaviest possible
3 kettle bell swings every 30 seconds for 5 minutes

I began with 53# KB, completing 9, and then switched to the 62# KB and completed another 9. That brought me to 3 minutes. For the remaining 2 minutes I completed 16, 70# KB swings. You’re questioning my math right now, and I can’t say as I blame you. For the last 2 rounds, Michael Kelley challenged me to do 5 instead of 3 swings. No problem. In fact, even though I completed American swings, I didn’t experience much pain in left shoulder.

I warned my fellow CFZers that if the temperature rose above 90 degrees that the shirt was coming off. Michael Kelley wet and held up his finger, and proclaimed, “It’s 93 degrees!” He likes to see me shirtless, you know, so he can see what a ripped body looks like. I took off my shirt. And I look good. True story.

6 Rounds
5 Power Cleans
200m Run
5 Jerks
100m Run
5 jumping dead-lifts, 145# (bodyweight)
200m Run
5 box jumps, 36”
100m Run

I had originally planned on doing 8 rounds, but the 9:30 class ran over (imagine that!) and I had to get ready to coach the 10:30 session. Nonetheless, 6 rounds made for a challenging workout. Here’s the rundown, in detail.

I haven’t jumped 36” during a met-con in a very long time, and the first round was a mess in that I missed 2 jumps – including the very first attempt! Things got much better, and I completed rounds 2 through 5 unbroken and rather quickly. I did miss the very last jump doing round 6, as someone passed directly in front of me and it threw me off a bit.

Jumping dead-lifts are quite fun, and I’m looking forward to including in workouts in the future. It’s a very good way to mimic the clean without hurting my arm.

Running, of course, was a total pleasure! Michael Kelly had requested the Jeff and Kristin stand by the 200m turnaround and cheer for people. I used it as an opportunity to show some skin, either pulling up the legs or pulling down the top of my shorts, pulling down my shorts to scratch an ass cheek, or running with my hands down my pants. At one point I put my left hand down my shorts, grabbed my junk, and then held up the same hand and asked Kristin for a high five. She didn’t high five me, and I was crushed.

I completed the workout in 13:24. I was a sweaty, shirtless mess, but had to quickly get ready to coach. I washed my hands before coaching. I probably should’ve given Thomas a high five before doing so. A missed opportunity…

Nine athletes attended the 10:30 session, including Jeff and Kristin, as well as Krista, Tom L., Burt, Eisa (sp), Margie, Michael Kelley, and Thomas (Michael Kelley’s fraternal twin brother, for those of you keeping score at home). Most folks did a great job. Someone needs to focus on positive self-talk. I was on her/him like white on rice, and I’m going to continue riding her/his ass until I see progress. Never ever ever ever ever nod your head “no” during a workout. Never ever ever ever ever say, “I can’t do it” or “It’s too heavy” or “I’m too fat”. Actually, Michael Kelley could and should say that last statement.

I’m done now. For the time being.

There was a HUGE crowd at the Community WOD, as Kabool had invited his friends and fellow CrossFitters to attend the WOD in celebration of this birthday. As there was such a large crowd, I had to think on my feet and modify the WOD, including the use of the space. We began by squatting and singing “Happy Birthday”. I hope I’ve started a tradition!

13:30-minute AMRAP (He’s turning 27, so half his age)
Run 100m
2 box jumps or air squats
2 wall ball shots or KB swings
Run 100m
4 box jumps or air squats
4 wall ball shots or KB swings
Run 100m
6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16…

I enjoy ladder workouts, and I’m sorry I didn’t get to participate in this one. Once Michael Kelley and/or Tom begin coaching the Community WOD I’ll be able to occasionally do so.

Experienced CrossFitters did box jumps and wall ball shots inside and first timers did air squats and KB swings outside. I’ve never seen such a decrease in power output, and there were times when all 10 or so newbies were resting.

Jeff took pictures. Enjoy!

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Must. Not. Coach

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Rest day today – but, at Jeff’s request, I visited CFZ yesterday evening and did today’s posted strength workout. I also tried not to coach, but ended up doing way too much of that sh!t. Must. Not Coach.

Front Squat
145, 155, 175#

High Bar Back Squat
20 reps @ 10# heavier than last week; 155#

All squats felt wonderful, and I can’t believe how much I’ve come to not only enjoy but to also look forward to lifting weights. I find that I enjoy watching TV less and less, with the exception of Glee, Parks & Recreation, and Modern Family.

Jeff did Wednesday’s WOD, focusing on dead-lifts. His form and strength both continues to improve. I merely observed coached Nathanael, Thomas, and Todd, and provided absolutely no guidance far too much direction. Must. Not. Coach.

As a favor to my BFF (Best Fat Friend) Michael Kelley, I coached both the 6 and 7:15am sessions this morning, consisting of the above strength workout as well as a 10-min AMRAP of 5 power snatches (half bw) and 10 pull-ups. It looked miserable, and I’m glad I chose today to rest. Cash out was 3 rounds of max reps of toes through rings. Nice job, almost everyone!

I finally visited the Lululemon at North Hills mall. It was quite difficult to find. In fact, I walked by the entrance, noticed that there was yoga clothing on display, walked back, and realized it was indeed the Lululemon store. I was wearing my new GETITDONE CrossFit Zeal tee shirt, and a young woman approached me and asked, “Do you go to CrossFit Zeal?” I answered, “Yes.” She then asked, “Is your name Paul?” I was taken aback, as most people ask me if my name is Stanley Tucci. True story. She introduced herself as Meagan, Mitch’s girlfriend. Mitch is dreamy. I tell him so all of the time.

Uhm, yeah, so I tried on 4 different pair of shorts, and decided to purchase only 3, you know, to save money. Ha! Meagan and Lululemon were kind enough to comp me a pair of running shorts! I get to test them and provide feedback. I most certainly will do just that!

I also went shopping at R.E.I., and purchased another pair of exercise shorts and a pair of board shorts. Five of the 6 pair of shorts are black. Black is a slimming color for me, but not for Michael Kelley. He needs an assendectomy .

Hair Product

Awake at 3:55am. Thanks, Zac & Meg! Bad kitties!

Arrived at CFZ at 5:45, and spent 20 minutes working out some of the kinks, particularly in my (you guessed it) left shoulder. I’m beginning to think I may have pinched a nerve. Lauren and Michelle silently arrived at 6, and as they were quiet I didn’t engage them in witty banter – that is until I could stand the silence no longer.

As I haven’t worked on overhead squat form in weeks, that’s what I chose to focus on this morning, completing sets of 5 reps @ 45, 65, 75, and 80#. While control has improved, I still need to work on ensuring depth and that I don’t go up on my toes. So sayeth Michael Kelley, after he watched video I had recorded. Oh, he “arrived” at 6:30, and I at first didn’t recognize him. It appears that I may have to loan him some money to buy hair product, as he wasn’t wearing any this morning. And. He. Looked. Bad. He did, however, look more heterosexual than normal. That’s not saying much.

I contemplated what conditioning I would do, and had settled on a 20-min ladder of ring dips, ring pushups, and air squats, but, alas, that was not to be. I demonstrated ring dips for Lauren and experienced pain in my (you guessed it) left shoulder. I tried a few ring pushups and experienced the same pain. Time was running out, and I had to decide fast. As I honestly haven’t been doing much running as of late and as I can always improve on double under performance, I decided upon those two skills.

20-min AMRAP Ladder
5 double unders
5, 10m shuttle runs, i.e., 50m
10 dus
100m shuttle run
15 dus
150m shuttle run

You get the picture. This was a surprisingly challenging workout, and I enjoyed it tremendously; and it more than made up for the short and easy conditioning workout I did yesterday evening.

However, I was nearing completion of the 450m shuttle runs when time was running out. I yelled to Michael Kelley, “Please get a stopwatch!” He replied, “We don’t have a stopwatch.” I thought, “Fool, you have an iPhone.” I said, “Get your smartphone, dummy!” He did, and I had him start the clock at the end of the 20 minutes. I reset my goal to AFAP ladder up to 500m.

Michael Kelley observed some of the shuttle runs, if for no other reason to catch yet another glimpse of my very shapely ass. As for all shuttle runs, I was turning on my left and right foot for odd and even number runs, respectively. I was running past the cone, but Michael Kelley accused me of not doing so. In all honesty, I wasn’t overly concerned with making this distance, as for all odd numbered runs, e.g., 5, 15, 25, etc., I was running and additional 10m to get back to the box and my jump rope. Michael Kelley also said, “Why don’t you just run the 400 meter loop and add 100 meters?” Because, Michael Kelley, that’s an altogether different workout.

I completed the workout in 24:45.5. That’s 275 dus and 2750m of running.

For a somewhat abrupt change of topic, I’m going to document an insecurity. Get ready. This doesn’t happen very often.

I have been informing Michael Kelley that I am no longer interested in coaching the Community WOD, and that I may also need a break from coaching altogether. While it might appear that this is an idle threat, since I like to tease and can be sarcastic, this is not the case. My last day at CFD was last Sunday, and that means 3 less hours of coaching per week. If I no longer coach the Community WOD at CFZ, I’ll be down to 2 hours a week (plus opening the box on Thursdays). Michael Kelley texted me and stated: I’m tired of u hating on coaching. U keeping talking about not wanting to do it. And looking for another job. Or quitting.

He makes a valid point. That doesn’t happen very often.

I responded: Truth be told? I think that I’m not qualified 2 coach. U know anatomy. I don’t. U’ve been lifting 4 years. I haven’t. I should focus on improving my owns skills & then maybe coach. I told you I was being honest. I’m out of my league.

The texts continued… The story continues?  We’ll see.


I was WIDE AWAKE at 4 this morning; thus, I was alert at the start of the 6am session. Can the rest of you who attended say the same thing? I didn’t think so. I’m talking to you, too, Michael Kelley.

Paul: How are you today, Michelle?
Michelle: Excellent!
Paul: How are you today, Lauren?
Lauren: Good.
Michael Kelley: I’m fabulous!

And I didn’t even have to ask…

On a side note, I finally made an appointment with an orthopedist to take a look at my left arm and shoulder. Unfortunately, the appointment isn’t until June 8. Until then, I’ll continue to avoid activities that cause pain. Most activities. Some activities. A couple of activities.

For example, while others did push press, I did bench press. I can’t tell you the last time I did bench presses. For whatever reason, Michael Kelley paid close attention to me today. It may have been the new Nike shorts I was wearing, as they do make my ass look niiiiiiice. Michael Kelley instructed me to “go light” and to play around with hand positioning on his the bar. I lifted 5 reps of 65, 75, 95, 105, 115, 125, 135, and 145# (bodyweight). Yes, there was some pain in my left shoulder. That’s life.

While my fellow 6amers completed 7-min AMRAP of 3 chest to bar pull-ups, 6 box jumps, and 12 dumbbell push jerks, I did the following:

7-minute AMRAP
3 box jumps, 34.5”
6 ring pushups
9 GHD sit-ups

I was originally going to do 3 hand release pushups and 6 box jumps, but Michael Kelley suggested high box jumps and 6 ring pushups. And I was okay with that.

My two goals were to complete all reps unbroken and to complete 7 rounds, i.e., a round a minute.

The timer counted down – and I missed my first box jump. Ha! That goal was unattainable. I probably should’ve at least jumped that height one time before starting the workout. I also missed another box jump at around round 4 or 5. Damn it!

I positioned the GHD machine so that I could easily see the clock. I finished the first round in 1:10. Ugh. Not fast enough. I compensated by running quickly from box to rings and from rings to GHD machine, as they were spaced rather far apart.

While running from the box to the rings during the 4th or 5th round, I witnessed what I thought was a total eclipse of the sun. It was merely Michael Kelley’s fat ass. I yelled, “Get your fat ass out of my way, Michael Kelley!” He smiled at me lovingly.

I glanced at the clock at the end of each round. As I was jogging running from box to rings and rings to GHD, I was indeed doing each round in less than a minute. With just 30 seconds remaining, I transitioned to the GHD machine, did 9 sit-ups, ran to the box, heard Michael Kelley say, “Five seconds”, jumped – and missed! I did, however, get in one last jump.

Total 7 rounds + 1 box jump; 22 box jumps, 42 ring pushups, and 63 GHD sit-ups.

Michael Kelley wants to me coach a session on Memorial Day. Should I? He also wants me to continue to coach the Community WOD. Should I? I think he or Tom L., co-owners, should lead the Community WOD. Don’t you?

Don’t Hate

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I wore my new “Don’t Hate” tee shirt today. No one noticed.

Monday and Michael both begin with the letter “m”. Food for thought.

My quads were still sore from completing 100, 110# front squats this past Saturday. I was grateful that Michael Kelley gave us 7 minutes to work on mobility. That was very lazy thoughtful of you, Michael Kelley. We then “jogged” (I ran) 400m and did some other mobility sh!t that I can’t even recall. I was too focused on reminding myself not to coach. Must. Not. Coach. Must. Not. Coach. Must. Not. Coach…

Low Bar Back Squat
2×5 @ 65 & 70% 1RM | 152.75/155 & 164.5/165
1×5 @ 75% 1RM | 176.25/180

I have truly come to love the low bar back squat, and today was no exception. Even with sore quads, lifts felt solid.

I noticed that Michelle was doing high bar instead of low bar back squats. Must. Not. Coach. I asked, “Are you doing high bar back squats?” She replied, “Yes.” Must. Not. Coach. I asked, “Is that intentional, or do you mean to be doing low bar instead of high bar?” She had a look of realization on her face, and said, “We’re supposed to be doing low bar today, aren’t we…” Michael Kelley approached and I said, “I’m not coaching. I just noticed that Michelle was doing high bar instead of low bar.” Michael Kelley said, “I don’t mind when you coach. You’re the one who gets upset when others coach when you’re coaching.” “I’m having yet another ‘fat’ day. Hold me.”

I later noticed Heather doing a heavy set of low bar back squats, and my first thought was “The bar isn’t low enough.” I really wanted to say something, but reminded myself that I must not coach. Michael Kelley finally noticed and said, “The bar should be lower, Heather.” I said, “I noticed that, Michael Kelley, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to think that I was coaching.” He replied, “I don’t mind when you coach. You’re the one who gets upset when others coach when you’re coaching.” I’m having yet another ‘ugly’ day. Hold me.”

Partner Glute-Ham Raise

This was the first time I’ve done partner glue-ham raises. Michael Kelley (as Jeff predicted) volunteered to be my partner. It. Was. Like. Gay. Porn.

For Time:
25 DB Lunges, ea leg
10 Burpees
20 DB lunges, ea leg
15 Burpees
15 DB Lunges, ea leg
20 Burpees
10 DB Lunges, ea leg
25 Burpees
Time Cap: 15 min

Uhm, 140 walking lunges. Boy was I glad that my quads weren’t sore! (ß Sarcasm.) Michael Kelley originally suggested that I use 30# dumb bells, but my goal was to choose a weight that, while challenging, would allow me to complete lunges unbroken. My other goal was to complete the workout in less than 10 minutes.

Michael Kelley promised that he would yell out rounds, e.g., “Twenty lunges on each leg! Fifteen burpees will be next!” He did, but after I had started the round. I was very glad that I had recorded the workout in my notebook, and that I had set the notebook near my workstation for reference. It still slowed me down.

Where was my workstation, you ask? Just inside the garage door at the back of the box. Why, you ask? Because Michael Kelley had everyone line up to do lunges within an assigned “box”, i.e., a line of mats. And because Paul A. gets far too competitive, and as I knew I was going to crush him, I didn’t want to be too close to him when he cried. He’s a loud crier. He’s a loud crier with a Southern accent. Sounds kind of like a sow being slaughtered. I love him nonetheless.

Oh, yeah, back to the dumb bells. As the 25# dumb bells had all been claimed, I used 2, 15# and 2, 10# dumb bells, holding a 15 and 10# dumb bell in each hand. I put forth to the jury of my peers that this should be considered Rx+. Oh, if only I had peers… (ß Not sarcasm.)

It took me exactly 6 lunges to get from one side of the box to the other side. I turned, and almost immediately continued lunging. I did burpees wherever I stopped lunging, usually toward the center of the box. I completed all lunges unbroken, rounds of 10 and 15 burpees unbroken, round of 20 in reps of 15 & 5, and round of 25 in reps of 8, 7, and 10. I glanced at the clock after reaching 18 burpees and knew that I’d have to do the last 10 unbroken if I wanted to finish in under 10. I did, in a time of 9:54.

I have no idea why, but I did truly enjoy the workout. It was challenging and at times painful. I felt like I got in a very good workout.

The following conversation took place between me and Michael Kelley… (Michael Kelley would say, “The following conversation took place between Paul and I.” His grammar sucks.)

PP: You called out rounds, but you were too late. I had already started the rounds!
MK: You shouldn’t have gone so fast.
PP: Did you hear that there is a new CrossFit opening in Apex?
MK: No, there’s not.
PP: Yes, there is. It’s going in right beside Lifetime Fitness, where the gymnastics studio currently is.
MK: Are you kidding me?
PP: No. The only reason I know is that the owners asked me if I’d like to coach there.
MK: You’re not going to, are you?
PP: I’d be a fool not to. It’s right beside my house!

To the best of my knowledge, there is not a new CrossFit opening in Apex. I just like to keep Michael Kelley on his toes. He needs the exercise. Because he’s fat.


Sunday in the box with Paul

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Today was my last day of coaching Sundays at CFD; thus, worthy of a post…

Five athletes attended the endurance WOD, including Kristin, Sandra, Jamelle, Chris, and Matt.

25-min AMRAP (and AFAP!):
Row 5 calories
Run 5, 10m shuttle runs
5 burpee box jumps
Row 10 calories
Run 10, 10m shuttle runs
10 burpee box jumps
Row 15 calories

This looked grueling, and I’m anxious to try the WOD myself. Chris completed the round of 30, and rowed an additional 5 calories. Impressive!

I then coached the 10 and 11 sessions, and there were but 3 in attendance at each session, including Em, Justin, Eniar, Kate, KC, and Nate. Athletes worked on form for cleans, and then completed 7 rounds of 3 power cleans (75% 1RM) followed by 50m, 25m, and 10m shuttle runs. I threw in a cash out of 3 strict pull-ups on the minute for 7 minutes.

I felt rather melancholy while coaching, as I knew it was my last Sunday at CFD. Some folks took me aside to thank me, and I’m very appreciative of their kinds words.

Dave worked out solo as I coached the 11 session, so I was able to (sadly) return my key. I extended my hand as I thanked him – and he hugged me. That Dave! He’s such a nice guy!

Dave, if you’re reading this, please know how grateful I am to you for allowing me to coach at CFD. I learned much along the way. Most importantly, I made many friends, and I include you among one of the best. You and Amy. Mostly Amy, but you, too.