I win!

“Don’t you usually work out at Zeal on Saturdays?” asked Kirk. “No,” I resoundingly replied.

For the very first time ever, I attended the 9am session at CFBC. Many of my friends were in attendance, and I shall rank them now. Number 1: Jules. Number 2: Cassie, Alexis, Nikki, Lynn, Jill, Kirsten, Kirk, Greg, and Jason (tied). Number 3: Everyone else except Josh (tied). Number 4: Josh, as he didn’t “stretch” me.

Kirk led us through a brief warm up, reviewed standards for movements, and “suggested” that we completed 10 reps of each of the activities. I admit to not doing so.

For Time:

• 20 Pull-Ups
• 30 Hand Release Push-Ups
• 40 GHD Sit-Ups
• 50 Jumping Air Squats

Rest 3 Minutes

• 50 Double Unders
• 40 Kettelbell Swings (53, 35#)
• 30 Sandbag Shuttles (1=10 meters carrying 50, 25#)
• 20 Burpee Ball Tosses (30, 20#)

For the Burpee Ball Toss, perform one burpee, one slamball/med ball clean, and then throw the ball over a designated pull-up bar without hitting the bar. (Yes, motivational consequences will be assessed for hitting the bar).

Kirk demonstrated the burpee ball tosses and explained the penalty: 10 walking lunges holding med ball overhead. Ouch. Kirk admitted that he missed 2 of the tosses. Ouch.

I did a few pull-ups, GHD sit-ups, and KB swings, and then attempted the burpee ball tosses.

If I had known that this was today’s WOD, I wouldn’t have done yesterday’s WOD that included med ball cleans and double unders. Just saying.

I attempted a few burpess ball tosses. I took me 4 attempts before I managed to throw the ball over the pull-up rig without hitting the bar. I feared that this was going to be a big (as in the size of Michael Kelley’s ass) mess.

Kirk said, “This is a bodyweight exercise, so you should be able to do all activities unbroken.” This, however, was not my strategy.

I said to Kirk, “I’d like to do hand release pushups, GHD sit-ups, and jumping air squats, if that’s okay with you.” He replied, “Do whatever you want, Paul.” I considered dancing or breaking out in song. Show tunes, specifically.

Kirk wisely staggered the start, and I began 2 minutes after the clock began.

Twenty unbroken pull-ups presented no problem. I was not, however, the first to complete the 20 reps (I’m talking to you, new Facebook friend, Greg). My immediate thought was, “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. I shall crush you and all your minions. Or is that the singular ‘minion’?”

Thirty unbroken hand release pushups also presented no problem, even after 100 pushups with toes on med ball less than a day earlier.

I knew damn well that I wasn’t going to do 40 unbroken GHD sit-ups. I completed in reps of 20, 10, 5, & (you guessed it) 5. I also knew damn well that I wasn’t going to do 50 unbroken jumping air squats. I completed in reps of 30 & 20. The clock read 6:27. I thought, “That took me far longer than it should have. Six minutes and 27 seconds? I was really that slow?” I had forgotten that I had started 2 minutes after the clock began. Oops.

I rested 3 very long minutes. I was anxious to begin.

I began double unders when the clock read 9:27. I did 3 and missed the 4th, so I started over. I completed in reps of 41 & (you guessed it) 9. I’m so very happy that my ability to do double unders has returned! I feel like a boy at a toy store. Or Michael Kelley at a Coldstone Creamery.

I began to obsess over the upcoming 20 burpee ball tosses, and kept thinking, “Leave something in the tank.” I completed in 4 sets of 10 reps, and, in retrospect, I’m very happy that I did.

Just as I was to begin shuttle runs Kirk realized that I didn’t have a 50# bag to carry. He quickly grabbed one from the shelf and handed it to me. Of all of the activities, I enjoyed the shuttles runs the most. (Sorry about the elbow, Cassie!) However, I didn’t run as fast as I would normally have, as I still wanted to make sure I had enough energy for burpee ball tosses.

I found a 30# slam ball and a space at the pull-up rig directly facing my nemesis. Remember her? I completed a burpee, positioned the slam ball, did a slam ball clean, and easily tossed the ball over the pull-up rig. It almost hit Alexis. Damn it. My aim isn’t nearly as good as it used to be. I gotta start shooting squirrels again.

I’ll cut to the chase: I successfully completed all 20 burpee ball tosses. Yeah! I looked at the clock and it read 20:13. “Not bad,” I thought. “Not good, but not bad.” Pirate Greg asked, “How do we determine time?” I misunderstood his question and said, “Record total time. As everyone rested 3 minutes, there’s no need to subtract that time.” He rambled on and on (and on and on) and he eventually said, “But we started 2 minutes after everyone else. Shouldn’t we subtract that time?” It was then that I finally realized that my time was indeed 18:13 and not 20:13. Much better, yes? Yes.

I occasionally like trash talking, and today was just one of those occasions. Nikki and Alexis, who had started 2 minutes before I had, were seated nearby when I finished. I said, “I crushed you.” “Yes, but we used the men’s weight for kettle bells, 44 pounds,” said Nikki. I corrected her and said, “The men’s weight was 52 pounds.” Nikki replied, “I meant the men’s master’s weight.” My nemesis said, “You used the women’s bar for the pull-ups.” She was referring to the lower of the bars, you know, because I’m short. I said, “That’s the men with big penises bar. The taller bar is for the men with small penises.”

Score: Paul, 3 and Nikki & Alexis, 0.